The way back home
by Seren McGowan
Summary: Sometimes, we have to take a few detours before we find our way back home.
1. Bridges Burnt

**Notes: **_The Warblers are amazing._

* * *

**The way back home**

* * *

_...But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary._

* * *

_ The bathroom floor is hard and the tile wall is cold against his back, like he's sitting on ice cubes. His whole body is trembling and he has to bite his lower lip to keep the sobs from getting too loud. _

_He closes his eyes and tries to regain his composure, but then the shadows turn to faces and cruel laughter fills his ears and he feels the punches and the kicks and the mocking stares, and he hears them, over and over again, fag, worthless, queer, abomination..._

_The door opens slowly, and he almost jumps, his heart goes on a frenzy, beating hard against his chest, his breath catches in his throat, and he curls further into the corner._

_Wes closes the door and sits on the floor before him, staring at him with that look of utter calmness that's only his, and that makes Blaine feel like everything is going to be ok, even when it's not._

_ "You had a nightmare again?"_

_Blaine nods silently, avoiding all eye contact and focusing his gaze on the floor._

_ "I'm never leaving this place."_

_ "You will." Wes laughs "One day, when you're stronger, you'll leave, we'll all leave."_

_ "I won't." Blaine insists, voice low and filled with fear "I will ever go out there again."_

_Wes smiles and raises his hand to place it softly over Blaine's knee._

_ "You're safe here, Blaine, you're home, and Dalton's doors will be open for you as long as you wan them."_

_And Blaine, who feels worthless and broken and hopeless, clings to every word like it's his lifeline._

_.._

The doors are closed.

They've been open since the first time he crossed them, all those years ago, and now they're suddenly closed.

He grabs the golden doorknob with both hands and twists it, but it doesn't move. He puts both hands flat on the wooden surface and pushes hard, but nothing happens.

A subtle feeling of anxiety sets itself on his stomach, and the bile rises through his throat, and when he looks at his hands, he realizes they're shaking.

He pushes one more time more, but the door doesn't move, and the silver Dalton emblem that lies on the centre looks like it's mocking him, laughing with a voice with no face.

His legs start shaking, and his knees almost give out, and he tries to turn the doorknob again, but it still doesn't move.

He takes a deep, shaky breath and does the only thing he can think of.

"Hello, Wesley here. I'm drowning in college work, so please leave a message."

There's a bip on the line, and Blaine remains silent for a while, unsure of what to say. Unsure of everything.

¨Hey Wes, it's Blaine, I...I'm at Dalton and...and the doors are closed, and I...I don't know...I just...I don't know what to do..."

He tries to say something more, but his voice breaks and he ends the call without saying goodbye.

He looks around for some clue, but it's late and there's no one in sight. He tries opening the doors again, but they don't move. His knuckles turn white from the force with which he's gripping the doorknob, and finally, they start to shake too much and he has to let it go, and when he does, it feels like he's letting go of so much more, and something constricts inside him, and a pain he hasn't felt since the first time he came here settles in his chest, and the tears start to fall, and he turns around and runs, runs as fast as he can, until Dalton is just a blurry image, fading far away.

He knows who he's looking for when he enters Scandals. He knows he'll be here, he's always here, even on school nights, and Blaine is desperate for answers. He sits on a stool by the bar and searches for the one he's looking for. It doesn't take long to find him, the bar is almost empty and he spots him in the middle of the dance floor, eyes closed, grinding against some old man that looks at him like he's the most amazing thing that's ever crossed his path. And Blaine has to admit that it is kind of mesmerizing to watch Sebastian move like that, back and forth and up and down, like he's having slow, tantalizing sex with an imaginary partner. Something inside him stirs, and his insides start to burn and he has to look away and think of dead kittens to try to regain control. When he looks back at the dance floor, Sebastian's gone.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in. Fancy seeing you here, Anderson."

He knows something's wrong when it's "Anderson" instead of "Killer"

"The doors at Dalton are closed."

Sebastian laughs.

"Straight to the point, as always. We never chat anymore, Blaine, it really does hurt me."

"Please, like you can get hurt by something like that."

"Actually, I can't, I was just trying to be nice, but I suck at being nice as much as being nice sucks, so, tell me why you're here and let's get it over with, because I don't think you came for the cheap drinks and the boring company."

Sebastian used to look at Blaine like he was the most beautiful think he'd ever seen. His eyes used to travel up and down Blaine's body like he wanted desperately to reach out and touch him and never let him go, his smirk was always an almost smile, one that was reserved only for Blaine, and Blaine would sometimes smile, too, because Sebastian's smiles always seemed like they belonged to him and him alone, and that made him feel special, and wanted, and powerful.

But Sebastian's looks right through him now, and his lips are pressed on a thin, uncomfortable smile, and his voice is no longer that almost whisper that used to send shivers down Blaine's spine.

"The doors at Dalton are closed." Blaine repeats, trying to push away the ugly feeling that's forming in the pitch of his stomach "Something happened? Is there something wrong? They have never been closed before."

Sebastian takes a long drink from his beer and looks at Blaine in the eye for what seems like the first time since he arrived.

"You really did think that the doors would always be open, didn't you? You thought that you could leave them and wander of following a boy, and come back and give them hope and then leave again without looking back. God, Blaine, you're even more selfish than I thought."

And Blaine wants to answer, he really does, he wants to defend himself, because this is Sebastian and Sebastian has no right to call him selfish. Only he has, maybe, and Blaine has no words.

"I was persistent. When I see something I like I go after it until I get it, but Hunter's not like that, he gave you a chance and you rejected it, so that's it. The Warblers are tired of waiting for you, Blaine. Even I'm so tired, I don't find you all that attractive anymore." Green eyes sparkle with mischief, and he leans in slightly, like he's going to tell Blaine a secret "Just look at you, all mighty Blaine Anderson, red eyed and voiceless, so small and insignificant...who would want you now? You're Blaine Warbler no more."

_You're Blaine Warbler no more._

Blaine knows that he's known this for a while, but hearing it out loud is a lot harder than he thought it would be. Sebastian's words have never affected him like this, and he shouldn't let them, because he made the right choice, he knows he did, he has no regrets, but Sebastian's looking at him like he's not even worth the try anymore, and the last time someone looked at him like that, Blaine had to run off and hide in a safe heaven called Dalton. And he can't run there anymore.

"Don't do this, Sebastian." He almost pleads "Don't turn them against me again."

Sebastian just laughs.

"Oh Blaine, the best part is that this time I didn't do anything. I really hope that your public school friends are worth it, because you lost the Warblers for good, and you did it all on your own."

Sebastian turns to leave, but spins around suddenly, and looks at Blaine with a hint of that old, adoring look, and gives him the saddest of smiles.

"I really did think that you and I could have been amazing."

And Blaine is left alone at the bar, and he feels the world come crashing down on him, and it's suddenly hard to breath, and the feeling of impotence and unworthiness and utter loneliness is so familiar that it scares the hell out of him.

But the doors have closed, and he has nowhere to run.


	2. You've got a face for a smile, you know

_**Notes:** Hi everyone! First of all, thank you all so much for the reviews, you're all awesome. Second, I forgot to mention that the paragraph at the beginning of the story belongs to Dead Poet's Society, It reminds me a lot of Dalton in a way.  
__The first song Blaine sings is How to disapear comletely by Radiohead. The song at the end is the song he sung for the Warblers, Stand by Rascall Flatts._

* * *

**You've got a face for a smile, you know.**

* * *

_ Jeff never talks much, and he barely smiles, and it's strange, because it really seems to Blaine that he has a face for a smile._

_He always sits on a table by himself, on the far corner of the library, and sometimes Nick would come and sit with him, and sometimes they'll be okay, and spend all the afternoon together, and laugh, but other times, Jeff would stand up and walk away and Nick would stay there looking miserable._

_He finds Jeff one day, sitting under a tree in the gardens, all by himself, smoking a cigarette that for sure didn't belong to him._

_ "Have you ever felt like you're trying to please so many people, that what you want starts to not matter at all?" Jeff asks him, tear stained cheeks and voice soft and a little rough from the smoke "It's like...you think so little about what you want, that you end up wanting nothing."_

_Blaine thinks it's really kind of sad, and he want's to say something meaningful, but he doesn't know how to talk to people, so he just listens and stares at the ground._

_ "For the first time I've found something I want. I really, really want it, you know? I'm always giving things up, and it doesn't matter, really, I don't care, but this one thing...this one thing I want, but it's wrong, isn't it?" He looks at Blaine with pleading eyes and he seems so lost and so confused that to Blaine is almost like looking in a mirror "Is it wrong? My mother would die, and my father...god. They sent me here to...straighten me up, or whatever, and I want to please them, fuck, I really am trying, I am, but I just want to be happy for once, is it really that bad? Am I being selfish? Do you know what I mean?"_

_Blaine knows that he has to say something important, something deep that would make Jeff feel better and understand that he has to do whatever makes him happy, that people would love him whatever he chooses to do, that being...like they are is not wrong, that there's nothing wrong with them or with wanting what they want. But not even Blaine believes that yet, so he says the only think that feels real enough._

_ "Yeah, I know."_

_And Jeff looks at him and smiles, and he has a smile that could light up a room, and Blaine really wishes he'd smile more often._

_.._

He looks in the mirror and the boy that looks back at him has dark bags under red, swollen eyes, there are tear stains on his cheeks, his lower lip is bleeding from bitting it too much, too hard, and in all, he looks miserable. He hasn't seen anyone look so miserable since Jeff that day when he showed Blaine that he was not the only one struggling.

He looks at his phone, but no one has called since the last time he got Kurt to call him back. And he knows because he's been checking every two minutes to make sure it's not on silent mode or anything. He's never been this dependent on a phone, but then again, he's never been this dependent on a person, eider, not even when he was at his lowest.

But maybe, he's just never been this low.

He closes his eyes, hands gripping the sick until his knuckles go white, and the memories come flooding back, as he slowly remembers all those things that Dalton taught him, and that he's slowly beginning to forget.

..

_His fingers move over the piano keys very slowly, almost not touching, and the melody is soft and sad, and his voice rises, and there's no one else in the world but him._

_"__I'm not here, this isn't happening, I'm not here, I'm not here. In a little while I'll be gone, the moment's already passed, yeah, it's gone..."_

_His voice cracks, his hands shake, and he has to take a deep breath to try not to cry. He's so tired of crying, so tired of being scared, so tired of..._

_ "You should sing with the Warblers."_

_Blaine looks up and Jeff's walking up to him. He looks different from that time months ago when they talked on the grass. His face is still made for a smile, but this time he is smiling._

_ "I don't...I don't sing."_

_Jeff laughs and sits beside him._

_ "I learned a few things this last couple of months." he says "Every time you don't do something you want to do, you die. David taught me that. I... was hurting someone I love, and I was hurting myself, and then one day I realized that there's no point, really, because one day we'll die and I don't want my last thought to be that my life was miserable, and that I pleased everyone but the one person who was worth pleasing, and that person is me."_

_They remain silent for what feels like forever, and then, Jeff looks at him with that smile, that is the brightest Blaine has ever seen._

_ "What do you want, Blaine?"_

_No one, ever, has asked Blaine what he wants._

_ "I want to..." He begins, unsure "I want to stop feeling worthless, I want to stop thinking about that night and about how helpless I was and how I cried and how they laughed. I want it to stop hurting, and I want to be strong, and I want to stop feeling like there's something wrong with me."_

_He's crying now, harder than he's ever cried, and Jeff's just sitting there beside him._

_ "There's nothing wrong with you, Blaine. With any of us. We're perfect. And you can do whatever you want, because no one will judge you here." His smile grows wider and he laughs "I learned that by myself."_

_So he stood up in that table for the first time, and sung a song about strength, for a change, and everyone stared at him, and he saw their faces, and their eyes filled with surprise and amazement, and something in him changed. So he sung louder, he poured everything he had into that one song, he fed from those stares and those smiles and those cheers, and at the end, he laughed._

_And no one judged him, not once._

_.._

It's kind of pathetic, really, because they're at Sectionals, and they're doing good, and they're having fun, and everyone is cheering. And he's swaying in the background, just like Sebastian and Hunter said he'd be.

He's barely singing, actually, because he doesn't feel good enough. There are so many awesome voices, his voice isn't really that important. Nothing would change even if he stopped singing all together. And at one point, he does.

And he's still swaying in the background, moving his lips but making no sound, and nobody notices.

He's not used to this. He's not used to people not noticing, and he's not used to being just another kid that sings and dances at somebody else's shadow. He sees the audience, and he feels the stage under his feet, and, he hears the cheers, but they're not cheering for him, and he feels smaller and smaller every time, and he ends up trying to hide behind Tina, and then behind Sam, and he just wants to disappear.

It's been a long time since the last time he wanted to disappear.

He catches Jeff staring right at him, and Blaine stares back, and Jeff has never looked so...disappointed, so disillusioned, and he has to look away, because he knows what Jeff's seeing, and he knows what he's thinking, but he's not ready to face the facts just yet.

And the fact is that he's right back where he started.

And everything he learned, and everything Jeff learned, and everything he taught him, and that first time on that table, it's all gone, like it meant nothing.

Jeff looks away, eventually, and Blaine doesn't dare to look at the Warblers anymore, and he keeps swaying in the background, voiceless.

..

_The song comes to an end, his voice slowly dies, and the room is silent for what seems like forever. Blaine tries his hardest not to look at the boys that keep staring at him wide-eyed, his hands shake nervously, and his heart is racing with a mixture of adrenaline and fear and barely contained joy._

_Jeff is the first one to speak._

_ "You go Blaine!"_

_And suddenly everyone is cheering and laughing and when Blaine manages to look up, all he sees are amazed looks and huge smiles and bright eyes._

_His eyes find Jeff's, and his smile is the biggest Blaine has ever seen, and it's all for him, for the fist time, all the smiles and the cheers and the amazed looks are for him._

_He feels a happiness he's never felt before take over his body and his mind, and his own laugh joins the others, and for the first time in his life he feels powerful, strong, invincible._

_.._

He wakes up from the memory to and empty choir room, and the sudden realization that he'll never hear those cheers again. He's no longer invincible.

* * *

_Cause when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of  
You might bend 'til you break 'cause it's all you can take  
On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough  
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off  
Then you stand_


End file.
